I am asked, quite frequently, how I keep up with being a mom, writing a blog, and working part time as a school psychologist. The simple answer is: I don’t. I fail at every responsibility/job/relationship, all of the time. Daily, probably.
We hold ourselves to a level of perfection which is not attainable and I wanted to devote an entire article to debunking the fact that anyone can possibly “do it all” and we should, rather, do what matters.
In the world of beautifully curated Instagram accounts, and filters for every skin color, eye color, background color, and bra color, it can seem like everyone has it together but you.
When people say they think I do it all, I want to laugh and cry and vomit, because, on one hand, the fact that they think this makes me feel as though I am being extremely dishonest, which I don’t like and on the other, I DO like that people think this, and then this makes me feel like a narcissist and then I start the self loathing process for the rest of the afternoon.
I’m not saying I don’t work hard. I do. But there are days I scroll Instagram for a solid hour and then I wonder why I have no blog posts ready for the week.
I’m not saying I don’t take care of my family. I do. But there are most certainly days when I have to search through the hamper to find a uniform for my daughter to wear to school. There are also days when my kids have mac n’ cheese for the second night in a row.
The shortcomings are innumerable, embarrassing, and often lying in a crusty pile in my sink.
I am continually trying to evaluate how I could do better (i.e. I really need to be more purposeful about putting my phone on the shelf around my kids – the fact that they request I not have it on is a sign I have crossed the limit with screen time invading into family time). I think if we excuse our failures it truly is narcissistic and if we’re real people, we will have real weaknesses and real things to work on…forever. The end. I really could just end the article here if I didn’t always have so damn much I wanted to say.
However, although there is always room for improvement, some shortcomings actually don’t matter. I used to try to have the laundry done, dishes washed, floors vacuumed, and beds made before my husband came home from work. This made him happy, sure, but it didn’t make me happy. I skipped doing the things I loved because I wanted to “keep house”.
Truth: I don’t like keeping house. I hate cleaning. I hate it. I do it because I have to, and because I’ve learned I, along with my family, deserve a home that feels calm and clean.
There are days, though, when the laundry will pile up in the basement, because I have an article I want to write. Or there are days when the kids miss a bath because I need to record a podcast.
I used to tell myself this is selfish, but denying what I was actually created for in this life, aside from the relationships I would establish, is actually way more selfish.
Getting to the point where I was not willing to let myself be neglected anymore was a monumental, joyous discovery. Dishes can be washed anytime, but if you ignore your soul for too long, it can be very difficult to recover.
So here’s the thing: I don’t do it all. Not even close. I do just enough. I do what matters. I do what brings me joy. I do what I have to do to get my job done and I do what I need to do to care for my family.
If you would also like to take the burden off of having to do it all, you can. I need to warn you, though, not everyone will be happy with you. You’re going to need to prepare for this.
Just recently I had to confront an entire team I work with as they expect me to be present at times I warned them I could not be. It’s funny how everyone agrees to your boundaries and limits until it just doesn’t work for them anymore and they want more. This was awkward. Former Callie would have simply acquiesced, and sacrificed something that mattered to me, like time with my kids or time writing, to give them more.
But I have learned, through pain and illness, mainly, that I have rights too, and it’s more than OK to stand up for myself. So, I respectfully told them “no”. What’s more, I walked away knowing I had done the right thing and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for sticking with the parameters I have clearly set on my time. I feel like a boundary setting badass lately. It’s liberating.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it may be out of your control, but my guess is that you’re trying to do it all, and you’re putting a very low priority on the stuff that matters to you. I hate to break it to you, but this is not the selfless, altruistic act you think it is. By ignoring your own wants and needs, you are impeding your impact and you’re building resentment.
I give a subtest on an IQ test to children. In it, there is a row of boxes, each box split into two: a number in the top half of the box, and a symbol in the bottom half.
Each number has a different symbol. Below that row are multiple rows of boxes with just the number in the top half and students have to quickly write in the symbol which matches the number.
This may be the nerdiest analogy I have ever made, but I believe each of us has a different symbol (some of our symbols quite similar but with their own little zest, just the same).
When we try to do it all, we’re trying to write all the symbols into the box, instead of holding true to the symbol we were made for.
I’m not saying you should ditch all your responsibilities. Work is important. Mouths needs to be fed. But, if you are neglecting to engage in what makes you feel alive, and I mean daily, not just sporadically, then other aspects of your life will start to disintegrate.
For me, it was my health. It won’t be this severe for all of you, but I hate looking into the eyes of so many extinguished souls; people just trucking along the path of their one life, doing “it all” while never doing the one thing they may have been put here to do.
And all those people you think you are doing all the things for? You’re going to start to resent them. You may not even realize it at first, but eventually, you’re going to find yourself washing dishes and doing the laundry thinking about how annoyed you are that you are doing this for them and you don’t get to do the things that matter to you.
When you aren’t doing all the things, and you’re doing some of the things that matter, you will find that chores are not as menacing, because you’re choosing them and there is no resentment involved. Why? Because the symbol you were designed to write is being written daily, and there is no room for resentment when you are living the kind of life you choose, and the kind of life which puts you on the trajectory toward your created purpose.
So, do I do it all? Not even close. I do what matters. To me, and to others.
If you aren’t already on this bandwagon, think through the people and the situations where you need to draw clearer boundaries. Not going to get that report done and your colleagues were hoping for it by tomorrow? Too bad. It wasn’t in the contract that you would have to sacrifice your valuable time outside of your job to keep the rest of them happy.
House isn’t going to be sparkling for company? Fine! Hire someone, ask for help, or simply be OK with floors which are a little less than stellar. No-one cares as much as you do.
Kids aren’t wearing matching outfits with curls in their hair? Yeah mine neither. And if yours are sans ketchup stains, I commend you.
Spend time finding what makes you come alive and be diligent about following through with that every single day.