Friends.  Hi.  Can I give you a fifteen second snapshot into my thoughts lately?  Ok, great.  Here we go: 

‘Clean up the dog pee, listen to the podcast, email the person, email the other person, ask person if they’ll let you guest post, read the podcast, listen to the person, call the person, tell the person your book will be great, post to the people, tell the people your book will be great, clean up the dog poop, feed the children, rub the oils, tell the people, call the people, mail stuff to the people, listen to the people, wipe the people.’

AHHH!!!  It’s insane.  

I’m not taking too well to the whole marketing side of writing.  Because, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but apparently, if you write a book, it’s important to get people to actually read it.  I know.  It’s absurd.  Even more ridiculous, is that I have to market myself.

Friends.  Let’s get something clear.  I know the plethora of selfies, and the manuscript where I talk about my lady parts may hint otherwise, but I really don’t like pitching myself to people.  I hate it.  And right now I am writing podcasters and bloggers and anyone who I can find, to help market this book, and I hate it.  I HATE it.  

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because I can.  And I am drinking caramel vodka with a skosh of oat milk and it gives me gumption.  And I want to tell you how I’m dealing with it, so if you also need a break from the endless polka of thoughts happening in your own brain, maybe this will help.

First revelation from the self-PUblishing madness: make time for some serious personal development.  

I’ve been reading about the enneagram lately.  It’s extremely popular right now (give it a little Google if you don’t believe me), and I’m on onion layer number one, but I’m finding it has a lot to do with figuring out our “True Self” and how learning this will take us on a path to spiritual enlightenment. 

At this point, I’m pretty sure my vodka is going to get me to enlightenment faster, but as I read more, I am uncovering some embarassing stuff.  Some coffee grounds next to the garbage can, kind of stuff.  You know – the grounds you pretend aren’t there, because you’re too tired to deal with it and you just need your coffee, like now.  You’ll clean it up later. 

Well, it’s later, and now I’m staring at my coffee grounds and I think some of them have something to do with some deep rooted insecurities.  Because if I tell people to host me on their blog or podcast, I must think I’m a good enough writer with a solid enough message, and if I think that, this is conceited, yes?  No.  But that’s where I’m at. Or maybe the core of it is that I truly don’t believe it’s good enough – and I worry that it’s just a pile of garbage that my friends have been kind enough to smile at. Anyway, I’m trying to reach beyond it.  Enter personal development.

Second revelation: Turn Down the volume and go outside. 

Winter finally succeeded to spring/summer (spring lasted approximately 3 days) and I have been in my yard every day.  My mail carrier thinks I stand in the same spot, raking, endlessly, as, apparently, I have important business on the west side of my house, everyday at exactly 2:00 (nap time – as every parent knows, this is the only time anything is ever done).

Yesterday, he said,  “Still working hard, huh”?

To which I replied, “always”, and kept raking.  I’m purposely staying inside today to throw him.

I strayed from it, but my point is that sometimes the only thing that shuts up the voices is the grounding we feel when in nature.  It can be as stupid as raking the west side of your house, repeatedly, but if you’re outside and you’re doing it, it’s a reminder that we’re all a part of this bigger thing and it’s ok if your mom is the only person that buys your book, because gee, those roses you just planted are going to look real nice if you don’t kill them as you listen to podcasts and email the people and call the people, etc. etc.  

The third and final revelation:  don’t stop

I doubt myself.  I get insecure.  I habitually rake.  BUT I know the importance of endurance.  I know because I went through years of pain that I was sure would last forever, yet I kept going because I knew the pain didn’t get the last word.  I knew that I was created for something more.  

It’s the same thing with all these words I spat out onto paper…Well, screen, and I typed them, but whatever.  I am learning not to cower when I say I wrote a book.  Damn it.  I WROTE something.  And it’s something good.  And it’s good, yeah, because it’s me, because what we all hold is divine truth and goodness under our shit, but also, it’s what I went through to share with you who are in the through.  You’re in it and you need a friend, and I want you to know that I won’t let my insecurity (or my raking) keep the message from getting out there.

Will you consider what it is that you’ve been afraid to do, because, well, it feels uncomfortable?  It feels like maybe if you admit it people will think that you think waaaaaaaay too much of yourself. 

Friend, if you are reading this, I wish I could scream it at you: 

DO YOUR THING! 

There’s something that stirs and it makes you feel excited and yet, it makes you so damn vulnerable, that you want to go hide in the closet with my vodka.  But, I wish you would just come be a vulnerable idiot with me!  Really!  Let’s just be idiot’s, doing what we love, because we know we were called to it! 

There is a symphony waiting to be composed, but it’s just going to sound like your sister with her recorder if we don’t all step beyond what’s comfortable and step into what we’ve always known we were meant for.  

So there you have it!  I’m off to write to some people and beg some people and tell some people they should have me on their show.  It’s still so weird.  I really do hate it.  But here I go.  Are you with me?  Let’s go be idiots!