“ ‘ Tis a great and mysterious gift, this clinging of the heart, whereby it hath often seemed to me that even in the very moment of suffering our souls have the keenest foretaste of heaven.  I speak not lightly, but as one who hath endured.  And ’tis a strange truth that only in the agony of parting we look into the depths of love.”  Thoughts From George Eliot1

I have had some intense writer’s block lately.  Its development could be a result of various issues, which we could speculate on, but I’m pretty sure none of you want to hear about how a recent rash may have had anything to do with it, and so… we will move on.  All rash happenings left unexplored.  

Part of the issue is, I developed this blog to be a place of support for chronic disease sufferers.  I still want it to serve that purpose, but I’m wondering if we could get a bit broader?  How would you feel about that?  

I was toting my kids around in the carpool the other morning, and as I was wrestling with the lack of blogging, and as I wove back and forth between self-loathing thoughts, I heard these words come out of my mouth, “you need to go bigger”.  

So, my friends here we are.  Where we go, I suppose we will see.  Can I just tell you where I’m at for now and then we’ll take it step by step?  Will you stay with me?  

I’m at the tail end of what I am now calling, “Health Anxiety Freak Out 2018”.  My body has been naughty and my mind has followed suit, or is it the other way around?  Who knows.  However, just as when chronic disease hit, all the negative feelings, the panic, and the desperation forced me into a soul realignment.  

You totally know what I’m talking about if you’ve been there.  Just like our friend, George, up above, understood and described, it is in those moments of suffering that we are enlightened.  It’s in those moments of loss that we truly know what it is to love.  

I’m learning new freedoms in my faith that had held me back for so many years.  I’m realizing that I dug my heels in against personal and spiritual growth because I thought I was going to have to do it in a way that was restrictive, cold, exclusive, and, quite honestly, boring as hell.  

I guess I am simply learning to live and love primarily and everything else, including my health is just sort of secondary.  I’m not saying it doesn’t matter.  It does.  But the other stuff:  It matters more.  

I’ve always said the turning point in the healing process for my disease was giving the utmost attention to my spiritual and mental health.  This is something I am learning to replicate in small ways, every day and it is a whole lot easier to do when you feel free to meet God in more places than just the pages of your Bible.  

Not sure what I mean?  Yes you are.  You know what I mean.  Maybe you don’t automatically know, but let’s keep going for just a bit longer and then I will wrap this up.  

My husband and I just rewatched The Dead Poet’s Society.2  It’s currently being streamed on Netflix.  If you have never watched it, you must.  Anyway, as I watched it, I remembered the conflicted girl I was when I first listened to the prose from Captain, My Captain.   I was at a private Christian school where others were raising hands to worship, reading their Bibles, and being “spiritually fed” by the most mundane, terrible doctrine I have ever heard. 

I, on the other hand, was writing poetry, and cranking up the dial to Jewell, Alanis Morissette, and Elliott Smith.  It was a strange assortment of music, but let’s move beyond that.  

I was the rebel with the black light, the highlighter, and OK, the occasional cigar (never smoked a cigarette in my life, but for some reason I snuck cigars).  I felt something larger than myself when I wrote, when I read, and when I listened to music.  There was something beyond and I was a part of it and it was beautiful.  Isn’t it sad that I never knew it was God?  There were teachers that helped me see a glimpse of the good God I know now.  There were others that scorned me for not destroying my “secular music”.  

I promised I would wrap this up for you, and as I sense I am on the verge of writing a chapter, I will quickly move on.   What I am learning, and what I am trying to share with all of you right now is really nothing new.  I’m just finally able to put language to it, due to teachers who are giving me permission.  

Whatever it is that makes you sway a bit.  Whatever holds you and tugs at you, whether you have a chronic disease or not, you must give it credence.  It’s the soil that you can plant yourself in.  It is good.  I would even go so far as to say it is holy.

Heaven is at our fingertips.  Hardship and pain forces some of us into learning this sooner than others, but the truth is there for all of us, chronic disease or none.    

1 Williams, A.L. (1894). Triumph of art and literature: A collection of the favorite poems of all times. Chicago, IL: International Publishing Company, p. 293

2 Haft, S., Weir, P., Witt, P. J., Thomas, T., Schulman, T., Williams, R., Leonard, R. S., … Buena Vista Home Entertainment (Firm). (2006). Dead Poets Society. Burbank, Calif: Touchstone Home Entertainment.