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I want you all to know something. In the past few years, I have acted selfishly.
I had a very long conversation with my mom last night. The kind which rollercoaster in and out of tears, reveal unshared pain and vulnerabilities, and mostly, the kind which leave you closer and wounds you hadn’t discussed with anyone, suddenly begin to heal because you finally started to air them out.
In this conversation, my mom saw something I had known and felt for years, but she actually spoke it and hearing someone else understand it helped me understand more fully what I had always known. She said, “you had given everything to your marriage and to your kids and to trying to heal, and there was nothing left for you”.
Trying to heal may sound like it was for me, but this was when I was drowning, friend. This was when I was still seeking out every miracle elixir and supplement and sinking deeper every time the newest trick didn’t fix me.
Maybe you’re there? I have a feeling you probably have been. Whether it’s a chronic illness, a mental illness, or your own variation of difficult: You’ve found yourself on empty. You’ve given to everyone else all your energy and all your joy and all your love, and you forgot to preserve some for yourself.
The problem is also that we feel we have to preserve or “save” anything for ourselves. We shouldn’t be saving anything. We should be giving to ourself before or at least while we give to everyone else.
I’ve made some choices lately which haven’t made me popular. They’ve hurt some people, and I’m sorry for that, but I came to the point in my life where I realized I was living for everyone but me, and I wanted to finally give the happiness I gave, back to myself. Even though I knew my choice was right, I still hear it and see it in the eyes around me – the “you’re being selfish” stare.
I brought this little issue to my therapist who I have been seeing since November and her words will stay with me and maybe they will now stay with you, but she said,
“When we’re kids, selfishness pertains to toys and sharing. We learn to share and this is a prosocial act. When we’re adults, we’re told that we need to share our time and our very being. We can do that, but not to the extent that we are giving all of ourselves. We have to be selfish first. Being selfish, just means you’re being healthy and finally acknowledging your own needs and wants.”
I realize this is a controversial topic and it may ruffle some feathers. Perfect. This is an issue which reaches far beyond the chronic illness community and into many homes, families, and marriages.
Feathers need to be ruffled. Feathers MUST be ruffled, because I see too many moms around me, dangling by a thread. I see them all used up with absolutely nothing left for themselves.
As women, we are taught, even if it isn’t explicitly stated, that the most loving thing we can do is give all of ourselves to our husbands and children. We’re taught that life is not about being happy but about serving our families – that our own happiness is somehow bad or wrong or “sinful” and we will find our worth in what we give to others.
This leads to enormous amounts of guilt for those of us who work, because we feel the pressure to be doing all the stay-at-home mom things, and also, guilt for those who don’t work, because we feel we still aren’t doing enough or making money to contribute. (I’ve done both, and felt the guilt in both places).
Friend, when I got sick with Interstitial Cystitis, I was sucked dry (sometimes literally due to the breastfeeding). I had completely forgotten about the girl underneath the spit-up, and the butt wiping, and the 5:00 well balanced meals. And the thing is, even though I was giving everything, it still was never enough.
And then, I broke.
My body literally broke.
Tiny little cracks appeared in the lining of my bladder and a disease sprouted and lingered for close to two years.
Until I became selfish. Until I stole back some time for myself. Until I put everything else on hold for an hour a day and started writing again, and reading again, and sitting in nature again. Until I gave myself permission to do things for me again – JUST me.
I still feel the guilt when I sit down to do it. I feel it now even as I write this. My daughter came out to my writing spot and said, “Mommy, I have to go potty. will you come with me?” Friends, she is six years old. This is something she is fully capable of doing on her own, so I told her “no.” That simple. Did you know you can tell your kids no? It’s crazy. You actually can.
People love us want us and need us, and this is most certainly not an article about neglecting your family and running off to the hills, but I do believe, with all the energy in me, that you will shrivel up into a ball of utter worthlessness if you don’t get a bit selfish.
Can I say one more thing, and then I will wrap this up?
Being selfless does not mean you should allow yourself to be treated poorly .
We all deserve kindness. We all deserve the opportunity to be the best versions of ourselves, and that is a completely impossible task if we never give ourselves the investment time it takes.
Contrary to what you may have heard in some circles, it’s not selfish to want to be happy. It’s not selfish to want out of a bad situation. It’s not selfish to want to be treated well and live the absolute best life you can live. If standing up for yourself, demanding a happy life, and saying you deserve better is selfish, then please, please, be the most selfish person you can be.
So. Yes.
I have acted selfishly, and I’m not the least bit sorry.
I stood up for someone who had taken less than she deserved for a very long time. I stole time back for something I was born to do.
What about that girl? What about her? Who was fighting for her? If I didn’t, she wasn’t going to last much longer and I’m tired of our culture and our churches and our mom guilt telling us we don’t deserve to be fought for.
Now – I go to therapy, and read books, and spend time outside, and listen to music and podcasts and books and poetry – to become a better human, and this is all FOR the people I love as much as it is for me, because what use am I to them in bed with a broken bladder?
What use am I to them if I’m not living to the fullest capacity my soul was designed to reach? Ever seen a deflated balloon? It’s depressing – And I was tired of being the deflated balloon. It was time to fill it back up, because, what use am I to my kids if I’m accepting treatment I don’t deserve?
I will BE selfish and I will show my kids the love they deserve to see. I will show them that they can do the same for themselves. That they should always insist on peace and love. That they should never give so much that there is nothing left.
That god, the divine, the universe, whatever you want to call her, never asked us to live the lives others wanted – but created us to live fully, and beautifully, and abundantly in our own.
If we don’t insist on that ourselves, no-one is going to do it for us. So, friend with an illness – friend who is depressed – friend who loves your family madly but is finding yourself deflating, lying empty on your bed every night, wondering who you even are anymore, please, I’m begging you,
join me and – be selfish.
It’s the most selfless thing you can do.