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There is a phrase used by the multitudes and I am calling for its extinction. I hate it. I hear it and I cringe. Everyone who uses it means well, and they believe they are accepting whatever stupid thing that has happened in their life.
Last week, we ran into an old acquaintance and he used it to describe his life after his divorce and father’s death. People in the chronic illness community use it to describe their life after illness and pain.
The phrase I am referring to is “new normal”. I know. It’s not that bad. It’s rational. It even sounds healthy, but it’s not. Not according to me, and here’s why:
First of all, I hate the word normal simply for the way it sounds.
N-ooooo-r-m-a-llllll.
It’s ugly. It sounds like a word made up while a bunch of old people were sitting around eating caramels:
“What would you call our lives, Bertie?”
“I don’t know…meh”
(mouth full of caramel) “Normal?”
“Sure”
This at least sounds like a logical origin of the word to me, but if you actually look it up, “normal” originated from the latin word “normal” which means from a carpenter’s square. A carpenter’s square is a perfect right angle and was called a “norma”. Definitions range from, “typical, ordinary” to “usual” to “conforming to common standards” to “standing at a right angle”.
I’m not sure what this says about me, but I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want an old normal or a new normal. I don’t want to stand at a right angle or be ordinary. I want to stand at the oddest angle possible and defy all standards. Maybe this implies I have a problem with living a quiet, “normal” life, but calling a life normal feels like a slight insult. It’s just one bar above boring.
“How are you doing since your diagnosis?”
“Oh – you know – I’m just accepting my new boring.”
When I was first sick and I saw people discussing their “new normals” on group chats or wherever I found people discussing such things, “new normal” felt like a death sentence.
It communicated I would just have to accept the level of discomfort and pain I was in for the rest of my life, because that is what chronic illness was. Terrible, awful, and torturous were to be my new modus operandi. I did not like this. I did not accept this. Screw new normals.
Acceptance is a powerful act, but I don’t believe, personally, it has anything to do with accepting your new normal.
The narrative I believe a majority of the chronic illness community believes we need to take in order to be in “acceptance” is:
“This will be your pain for your life. It’s time to accept that life blows. It’s time to talk about it endlessly in forums. It’s time to get the meme app for your phone and start pumping out sad, depressing memes about how your life is over on a daily basis.
To accept means to embrace the utter shittiness of your disease as your new normal and forget about any hopes and dreams you may have had before, because sister this is your unlucky lot. Come roll in it. It’s OK. It’s acceptance. And the best you’re going to get is accepting the pain as your standard for living.”
We need a new narrative for acceptance in the chronic illness community which has nothing to do with accepting your “new normal”. True acceptance is understanding that while things may be difficult, (because they will be – things are going to be harder for anyone who experiences either constant or intermittent pain) they can also be brilliant!
You are someone apart from your pain. Accept that. Accept that you are not defined by an illness, nor are you the medications you take. You are so much more-mal. I’m so sorry for that, but I had to.
You are not ordinary. My sister in law was recently talking about launching her brand on Instagram and was looking for some advice.
She said “but I’m just another artist”, and I countered, “No way. No one else is uniquely you. No one else can hold the brush, make the stroke and create the idea that was put in your brain, in your body which is absolutely unlike anyone else’s. Don’t rob us of getting to see what you have uniquely to create.”
This is true for each of you. Maybe you fall into the “invisible illness” category, but there is nothing normal about you.
You have your own beautiful intricacies which are completely yours. Don’t accept normal. Don’t accept boring, just because you have a disease! You will need to reach a place of acceptance, but I am of the opinion it has nothing to do with accepting pain as your miserable, mundane existence.
Acceptance, is very different with chronic illness than it is with death. When someone dies, having any hope for healing is only OK if you’re alive when Jesus is raising people from the dead. If you’re hoping for the dead to walk again, you are obviously still in denial. I’m concerned for you. Time for the doctor.
I’m just really tired of people advocating that to accept one’s disease it means abandoning all hope.
Unlike death, when you have a chronic illness, you can heal. You may not, but you can, and I believe it is perfectly alright to hold onto that hope – In fact, I believe it is paramount to the healing process.
True acceptance settled in for me when I held onto hope, but also decided I would try to accept the person I was right where I was at, aside from my diagnosis and pain.
I accepted that I was worth getting to know again. I was worth expressing myself and creating again. I may be sick, but I could still contribute to this one, beautiful life I was given, and so can you!
You’re not normal, so please don’t accept it.
You’re so much more vast and exciting and your life doesn’t have to be a hum drum acceptance of boring and terrible.
Accept that you are incredible despite your disease.
You are the only person who is ever going to be exactly like you, which gives you the opportunity to be the “new exceptional” right there in the midst of your pain and your struggle.