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I’m not sure how wise it is to write about something so controversial in the middle of what is a pretty controversial time in my private life, but I don’t think I was made to be someone who stays quiet. If we were assigned warning labels when born, mine would say something like “not built for a patriarchy” or “likely to get herself in trouble by speaking up” or “sometimes her eyes turn to fire”.
I think the real problem we have in this country is that we are afraid to talk. We’re afraid because there is no safe place to have a conversation. We’ve been taught a dualistic system where one chooses a side – the right side – the good side, and everyone else is wrong and evil and likely to burn in hell forever. OR we are taught that we are the correct side, and the other side is overwhelmed with religious rhetoric and can’t see past their Bibles.
I think both sides need to learn some respect. Both sides need to take a deep breath and have some important conversations in a safe place. But, unfortunately, from what I’ve seen in the past week, year, lifetime, is that we cannot have these discussions, and there is no safe place.
I’m going to go ahead and share my opinions on the 2020 Super Bowl Halftime show knowing full well not everyone will like what I have to say, but this is a conversation that needs to be had, and I’d at least like to make this river and quill/chronically well community a place where we can all be heard and respected. So, feel free to comment below, and unless you are a robot, I will publish and we can have a conversation.
1. Girls are Taught their Bodies are Shameful
Listen. I have my own story. It may be different from yours. Which means, everything I write here, may pertain only to what I have learned, but I think it’s what many others have learned as well, so I’m going to go ahead and share it.
My Freshman year of high school my cute English teacher approached me in the lunch room (all of us had crushes on him, because he was at least minimally good looking and he read Shakespeare – I mean – come on : “I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest”).
He asked me why I was wearing the shirt I was wearing. I responded, as I sheepishly grinned, “because it’s cute!”. He then told me to lift my arms. I did. My belly showed (belly in Christian/private schools is more appropriately called a “midriff”) and he told me that I would need to have a sweater covering it before his English class that afternoon. I kid you not, until I just typed this, I had always assumed the word was “midrift” – like a drift of the mid section, but in fact it is midriff. I am always learning.
To say I was devastated – humiliated – and ashamed would be an enormous understatement.
Ok. I realize I broke the dress code. But here’s the problem: girls are taught that we need to cover up. I could write out at least ten instances when we were taught that it is our responsibility as women to be modest, because if a boy saw something like our stomach, or saw too much of our cleavage, or if, god forbid, our skirt was higher than two inches above our knees, we were causing them to sin.
To all the teachers and preachers who taught this: you were simply teaching us that we should be ashamed of our bodies. Because let me tell you something, boys are thinking about sex constantly and this is with or without the presence of midriffs. They could see a girl dressed in sweats, wearing a ski mask, and they may still imagine her without her clothes on.
Can I say something else? This is not bad. This is not wrong. We are sexual beings! Sex is fantastic and it’s something, I believe we were created to want, need and engage in.
The real problem is we are taught to fear it. We are taught to fear our own bodies. And then – when a Super Bowl halftime show features two gorgeous women embracing their sexuality, we freak out. Because apparently there is nothing more terrifying than a confident woman not afraid herself.
2. Sex Trafficking
Something else we should be talking about, and not just around the Super Bowl. Apparently there is an influx of sex trafficking during the Super Bowl due to crowds, etc. And according to a recent article from Focus on the Family,
“It’s our view of sex and empowerment. We watch something like this year’s halftime show and are told that objectification and hyper-sexualization are liberating. That it’s better to exploit ourselves then to let someone else do it for us.”
I had to take a few deep breaths before I responded to this one. Because, ultimately this. is. the. WHOLE. PROBLEM.
A woman’s body is not pornographic.
A woman exploring cultural connections through dance, is not pornagraphic. What is pornagraphic is the men, women, and industries who take our bodies and make money off of it. They have stolen our sexuality and when we try to get it back, to go on the stage and show how sexy women are, we are, of course, told their objectification, their sickness, and their CRIMES are the result of us finally accepting our bodies as good and beautiful and right.
We are not exploiting ourselves, Ms. Smith. I hate to say it, but articles like this are the root of the problem as they, once again, make women feel that embracing their bodies as something beautiful is shameful.
3. We were born with vaginas
I mean. I shouldn’t have to say it. But I did. Girls have vaginas. Vaginas bring pleasure. This, again is not bad. So when I hear things like “hyper-sexualization” I cringe, because since when did we shame ourselves for wanting food? Getting hungry is a natural, biological need. It must be satisfied. Thirst. Same. Sleep. Same. Guess what else our bodies crave? Sex. And yet it has become the one basic need that we have taught women is wrong (unless you are married and you are doing it to have children).
Regardless of your beliefs, you want sex. Usually. Unless you don’t, and then that’s OK too. The problem we run into is not respecting our bodies when it comes to sex.
The question I often ask myself before I put on a sexy outfit is, “am I doing this for me or am I doing this for someone else?”
We should dress in a way that reflects how we feel about ourselves, not in an attempt to get a reaction that makes us feel better about ourselves.
Sexiness exudes from confidence, not from insecurity.
Anyway, my point is that we have got to stop shaming girls and women for acknowledging a basic need. That we like sex just as much as boys.
This doesn’t mean we just start tearing off our clothes, running out into the streets to have sex with everyone. This is where the conversation comes in about respecting our bodies. This is the conversation parents should be having with their children.
Depending on your faith narrative, this will look different depending on who you are. But I challenge you to always make a child, girl or boy, understand that their body is not bad. Their desires: not bad.
That everything about them is good and beautiful and natural. And as such, we should honor what we do with these beautiful bodies and desires. Your interpretation of what that may mean, is obviously up to you, but please, can we stop turning sexuality into something squeamish and evil? It would save a lot of us a lot of money on therapy.
4. Insecure Women React Negatively to Beautiful Secure Women
Ladies. I’m sorry. But I can to say it, because I do it all the time. When we are most insecure, we will look at a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, who is in the bikini, or wearing the sexy jeans, and we will roll our eyes.
Maybe it’s because we are Becky Be Good church lady and we have been taught that anything short of a turtleneck is satanic, but more often then not, I think it’s because we see the beauty and we don’t feel it in ourselves.
We see the size 4, and we curse our curves. Or we see the DD’s and remember the boobs our milk crazed babies left us with. We see our significant others look at the other beautiful women, and our stomachs clench, because we wonder what it is about us that is not good enough. We watch a halftime show, and see two gorgeous women and we wonder why we don’t have the same ass.
This, as I have found most things are, is not a problem with society. It is not a problem with “hypersexualization”. It is a problem with ourselves.
Something is lacking. We feel insignificant. And I’m not going to pretend that the airbrushed adds and ridiculous expectations for women are out there. That is an entirely different conversation on how, once again, our bodies have been exploited. But for now, we’re talking about seeing other beautiful women and not being able to see the beauty in ourselves
For too long I saw another beautiful woman and it made me feel worse about myself. I’d see her boobs and wish I could afford that boob job. I’d see a flat tummy and wish I had stuck with the ab exercises I started and did with consistency for all of 5 days. I’d see full lips and look up botox. I’d see a tiny nose that looked good in a stocking cap and wonder why I was blessed with an Italian nose. All these insecurites, magnified in the beauty of other women.
Until – I finally saw me.
She was not perfect.
But she was beautiful.
That less than flat tummy, created three lives. Those less than full boobs, kept those three lives living for a year or more of their own lives. That nose is my heritage. Those lips speak love and kindness.
The physical appreciation of self only came after I accepted who I was beneath the makeup and the hair and the less than perfect body. I found her a few years ago when I got sick. When I felt the most unsexy I had ever felt.
I found a soul who wanted to find beauty – in more than the physical.
But it’s funny.
When you start to appreciate the beauty in conversation, in nature, in your own soul and the soul of others, you can start to see the physical beauty of others as well.
I tell other women they are sexy all the time. It no longer intimidates me. Unless I’m having a bad day, and then I know, because my eyes roll. And then I remind myself: she is beautiful. Don’t rob her of that because you are too scared to find your own beauty.
So, I will end this long rant, but saying, you are beautiful.
We may not see eye to eye on the halftime show, but if I can leave you with anything, it is that the female body is not something to be ashamed of. Your body, is not something to hide.
Respect it – and this will mean different things to different people. To me, it means embracing it. To finally not be afraid to share parts of it I thought were wrong to share before.
You.
Are.
Sexy.
This is not bad. This is not wrong. You were created in this image. This was not a mistake. You are not a mistake.
How you present yourself is entirely up to you. If someone sees it as pornagraphic, they can look away. It’s not your problem.
Because you have finally accepted yourself as true and right and good and giiiiirllll, go and get down with your sexy self! No shame needed.