It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up
-Babe Ruth
A New Journey
Hi friends. I have embarked on a new journey which I would love to share with all of you, and it has to do with a dog, a valley, a car, and how I am surviving a chronic illness flare.
If you have a chronic illness, you likely have one which can go into remission and then flare from time to time.
Or maybe you have chronic pain, and you have your good days and your bad. Or maybe it’s the anxiety and/or depression or some sort of mental health issue you are working through which rears its ugly head from time to time.
Whatever the issue, I think most of us go through peaks and valleys, eb and flows, ups and downs. There comes a time, for most of us, when we wonder if we know what it takes to survive a chronic illness flare.
Though I Walk THrough the Valley…
(Just try not to sing Gangsta’s Paradise – I Dare you. I’ll wait for you to finish.)
These past couple of weeks have been a deep valley for me, but guess where the river flows?
The river never flows on the mountain peaks, my friends.
(Unless there is something I seriously need to relearn about geography.)
Prior to the bladder flare, my anxiety was turned up to full volume.
I have a history of health anxiety, and, let me tell you, finding out you actually have a chronic illness can really mess with any work you’ve done to dispel the continual health worries, because, guess what?
One time you thought you had something and you actually did.
However, I fight this with math. Of the thousands of things I thought I had, I only had one. The odds are still in my favor.
The same mathematical equation applies to your situation as well. Go ahead and use it. I don’t mind. You have my permission.
Anyway, I had some minor fears over my health in the last couple of months. Nothing I will discuss here, because, inevitably, someone will read my symptoms and email me the potential disease I have, which happens from time to time, and this is not what I’m aiming for here.
The Coup D’Etat
I was already relatively stressed, and I knew this, so I was going back to my book: Overcoming Health Anxiety1, and friends, I was kill-ing-it.
I was fighting every thought and the anxiety was actually under control.
Then, my dog got sick.
This was the coup d’etat of my soul. I was sure he was going to die. I spent over $500 in vet bills. I watched his every move for a solid two weeks.
I was certain he had an intestinal blockage. Something they don’t always tell you about health anxiety: ’tis not limited to your own health – ’tis possible to extend said anxiety upon others, even the canine variety.
Would you like to know what was actually wrong with him? He ate something, likely in the yard, which initially made him sick. Yes. It’s true.
Apparently, dogs get the stomach flu just like humans, or react to eating garbage or poo and they also, can get better and not die a long, terrible death in their own vomit.
Fear got going all over the dance floor, when the same dog wouldn’t drink out of his dish.
My brain: definitely pancreatitis.
Reality: Picky Ass Dog
It only took $350 to find out he didn’t like his water dish. For two weeks I had to give him water from the hose, in his food, or pour it over a scoop of black beans, to get him to drink at all.
He’s not dying, thankfully. He’s, apparently, just particular, and requires homemade food. It’s ridiculous.
Ok, so all of this to say: my worst-case-scenario thinking took my cortisol to skyrocketing levels and as anxiety and IC are highly correlated, I shortly, thereafter started feeling my bladder again.
The Dark Passenger
When I start to feel my bladder, my dark passenger (totally ripping this off from Dexter, except I don’t kill people, thankfully) is suddenly there in the back seat.2
He starts telling me things like, “this is going to ruin your life again”,
or “you got over your last flare quickly, but this time you won’t”
or “you will never have a handle on your anxiety and this will be a perpetual rolling down the hill to your infinite doom on the other side”.
My dark passenger gets a tad bit dramatic.
He’s a total jerk too. I have a feeling yours is too.
If you’re here, and really, if you’re human, you will hear his voice from time to time. Flares are a time when I hear it loudly, because they induce fear.
I started listening to his words, and I told my husband how I was feeling. He then, as he has a way of doing, brought me back to sanity by saying, “why don’t you read what you write”.
At first, this kind of offended me.
But then, I read what I wrote. And what’s the first thing I tell you all when you are in pain, or find out you have an illness, or are struggling with anything? Believe. Believe it can get better. I needed to get back to that.
Do Cry Over Spilled Wine
I also, vehemently, support grief.
I still need to allow myself to grieve over the fact that even though life is so manageable and I can live it well, I will have to deal with this condition forever. [tweet this]
Some heal entirely, sure, and this would be amazing heavenly flowery bliss, but I think the reality is I will have to feel my bladder sometimes.
I will have to think about what I eat and drink more than the average person and this makes me feel alienated and, friends, let’s allow ourselves to come back to the grief from time to time.
I want to drink a bottle of red wine, all by myself – just get completely stupid drunk on it, but my bladder won’t allow me more than two sips without getting all sassy red and fiery.
This definitely grieves me.
We can’t stay there in the grief though.
Don’t Share the Driver’s Seat
If we stay with the grief too long, we give the dark passenger way too much control, and before we know it, we’re the ones in the back seat, trying to tell him where to go, but our screams come out as whispers, and it’s no longer us driving at all, but him, along with our doubts and our fears and this is not how I want you to live your one life, friend.
It took a while to get here, but I am on a new journey to unearth the oasis within and from above. Check out the oasis series, starting with this one, if you’d like to read more about how to find the place of calm and rest within your soul.
I finally feel I am at a place where the anxiety is no longer driving. I’m fighting back. I’m wondering if you would care to tackle the journey with me?
What is it that is driving you when you should be driving?
It’s ok that we’re in the valley sometimes friends.
The valley is full of fertile, growing truths,
and it flows with life giving water.
Let’s take the opportunity, while we’re here, to learn how to love ourselves better, and get back in the driver’s seat, headed in the direction of health, wellness, love, and light.
References
1Owens, K., & Antony, M. (2011). Overcoming Health Anxiety. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
2Manos, J. (Creator). (2006-2013). Dexter [Television series]. United States: Showtime Networks, John Goldwyn Productions, The Colleton Company, Clyde Phillips Productions, & Devillina Productions